@mrtruthandsoul: Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
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@cambuslad: Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
@_Kim_Jongun: Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads. That's a lie. On an unrelated note, I need that guy's address.
@SeanInCypress: I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
@UnFitz: [speed dating] Me: Periods. Her: Huh? Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside? Her: In the US or the UK? Me: Let's get married.