Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
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One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Hamburger Hinderer.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Google assistant rules
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
thinking about a very short hotdog
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*