@merican_ninjy: Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with "I'm too drunk, you get in."
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@TheCatWhisprer: I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
@QwertyJones3: [College admissions office] "Sorry sir you can't transfer your street cred for college credits" ME: that's wack
@bridger_w: If someone acts shocked that you haven't read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, "Yeah, I heard it sucks"