@merican_ninjy: Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with "I'm too drunk, you get in."
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@Bob_Janke: I still say a wasp's nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody's hanging around in there.
@shanethevein: Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
@TheRobCee: Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads...Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
@CornOnTheGoblin: scientist: he's going to be identical to you in every way me: every way? [my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit