Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
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[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.