@ClassicMegan: Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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@flashember: COP: someone's been cutting everyone's christmas lights but not yours ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that [my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
@TheCatWhisprer: Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
@BillDixonish: Every story about edible weed: 1. Not high. 2. Not high. 3. Still not high. 4. Not high. 5. Please drive me to the emergency room.
@hazelmotes1: Press Conference: How do you respond to accusations that you over sexualize everything? Me: *slowly takes entire microphone into mouth*