@ClassicMegan: Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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@Sean_Burgundy_: There's nothing worse than when you tell someone it's a long story and they reply with "I have time."
@stevezorz: Trump's gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn't keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
@iwearaonesie: If you start smacking people with your wife's purse she won't ask you to hold it for her anymore
@NoTheOtherJohn: ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT'S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]