@ClassicMegan: Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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@jergarl: Me: OMG I'm so tired. Ambien: Your wife would look AMAZING covered in mustard and chocolate chips. Me: I'm on it. A: And Cheetos. M: K.
@Beardson: I'm simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
@david8hughes: [sees kid crying at the mall] R u lost? [kid nods, wiping tears] Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now