@OkieGirl405: Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
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@Hadzilla: Halloween '94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
@zwina_summer: My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn't enough time.
@decentbirthday: Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
@thatstings: Since twitter, I don't go from home to car to work to car to home I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger