@OkieGirl405: Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
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@karenphotog: My boss said "dress for the job you want, not for the job you have" Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
@trojansauce: KID: are you sure this will work? ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?
@causticbob: My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, "Who else would I cheat on?"
@HehBuddy: I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.