Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
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“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Oh my God.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.