@karenphotog: My boss said "dress for the job you want, not for the job you have" Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

@trojansauce: KID: are you sure this will work? ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?

@causticbob: My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, "Who else would I cheat on?"

@HehBuddy: I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.

@BoomBoomBetty: Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.