In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
car not found
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I wish this was real life…
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup