Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
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BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries