Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
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pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears