@AmishPornStar1: Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
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@MrSandeepP: This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
@murrman5: "so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?" [over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
@Ygrene: [being murdered by neighbor] *I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
@Swishergirl24: People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.