Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
You Might Also Like
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
where do you see yourself in five years?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.