Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
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guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
reviewed some movies recently
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind