@SomthinBoutSara: Pro Tip: you can't just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
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@SlabBaconBP: I hate when I tell my girlfriend to call me when she's feeling sensible and then 2 years go by before I realize I'm probably single.
@DaddyBeerGuy: Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy.. with interlocked fingers.. INTERLOCKED FINGERS? send bail money!
@TheQuietPsycho: When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk I can't even make this up
@thejessbess: (interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?