@SomthinBoutSara: Pro Tip: you can't just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
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@XplodingUnicorn: Old high school classmate: Really? You're about to have your 4th child? Me: Are you surprised I like kids? Him: I'm surprised you had sex.
@PostCultRev: I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
@bobvulfov: NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america's got talent HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
@KalvinMacleod: [date] HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations ME: ok WAITER: today's special is baby octopus ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks HER: I’m done ME: ruh roh