Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
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Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
In our house the answer to 馃幎who let the dogs out?馃幎 is always the toddler at 4am when we鈥檙e all alseep because she thinks it鈥檚 funny
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
You know you鈥檝e ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Don鈥檛 let the British accent fool you. I鈥檓 not saying anything smart
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Life Coach: Tell me something you鈥檝e done that鈥檚 amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
You can鈥檛 fix everything, you鈥檙e not a giant asteroid.