Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
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Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.