Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
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I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Air conditioning – not a fan
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
ACED my prostate exam!
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No