[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
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Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*