Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
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Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.