Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
You Might Also Like
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”