PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
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If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?