PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
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Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
me and the Superbowl rn
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Generation gap…
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?