Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
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Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Help Wanted
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…