6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
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Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino