Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
You Might Also Like
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
“no gods no masters” = leo
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*