One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
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[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
🤣😂
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.