@michaelianblack: Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.
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@imchriskelly: i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
@Glittermepink5: I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.
@jessokfine: If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.