@michaelianblack: Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.
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@thepunningman: "How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?" 384 my liege "Ok, round them up" 400 my liege
@1followernodad: guys: women are a mystery. women: Here is what we- guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT? women: well for start- guys: Guess we'll never know!
@xLiserx: I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.
@3sunzzz: [aquarium] *penguin strapped on my back* Ma'am, is that a penguin on your back? No, it's just a backpack. Oh, WHAT'S IN IT?! um, fish