@markleggett: My cat's staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she's mulling over past social situations she wishes she'd handled better.

@kyry5: [first day on the job as a drug dealer] *giggles* "We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?" *gets stabbed*

@vaaaader: When Girls Are On Their Period

@1Bad_Scientist: *at Thanksgiving dinner* Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole. Everyone: *gasp* Me: Just kidding you all are.

@Fred_Delicious: "Good morning, this is your pilot speaking" ... "AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING" ... "and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing"