@jeannerbeaner: Pronounce it "Valentimes Day" so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

@Home_Halfway: BARISTA: I have an order for...God? Is there a God? [no one answers] ATHEIST: Haha told ya GOD: *exiting bathroom* Sorry I'm here ATH: Shit

@ruraljules: Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn't talking to me either

@verycozy: ME: I have crab like reflexes DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

@bostongal12: *Eating mini Reese's cups* 5&7: Mommy what are you eating? M: Dog poop.