@ApocalypseHow: Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend's experimental theater piece.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
@Book_Krazy: I bet the kids who TP'd my yard last night and didn't know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do? Me: 22. Wife: How many with witnesses? Me: Almost 1.