Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
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Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years