Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
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Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Beware…..
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I feel it
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.