[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
You Might Also Like
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.