My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
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Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My patience has stretch marks.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.