Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
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As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache