Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
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[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
work smarter, not harder
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I’d use my best pan on you.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same