Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
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Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
sigh
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.