Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
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Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.