2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
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Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
i hope my email finds you on fire
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”