Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
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Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.