@SortaBad: Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
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@cajones113: Customer: I can't see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar? Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber C: That's not very healthy... Just the smokes then.
@007Pepe_Rex: Top 3 questions asked by my parents: 3) How's the business? 2) Do you have a girlfriend? 1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
@underchilde: As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.
@MartaEffing: Someone just used the phrase, 'that's a big load', on this conference call, and suddenly I'm paying attention.