Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
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[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future