Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
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[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
When you’re here for the treats.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Truth
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.