I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
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me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Children of the corn 🌽
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.