[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks