Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
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After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
secret recipe
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.