Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
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[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids