@HiddenWorId: Problem solved
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@drankturpentine: ME: *releases kraken* KRAKEN: *hesitates, looks back* ME: go on you big dummy, get, go
@_mindflakes: "Please stop misquoting me on Twitter," said my boss. "It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut"
@zachheltzel: Yeah sex is cool but have you ever lied to an Uber driver about what you do for a living?
@byrdie_num_num: My wife and I used to describe our marriage as 'forever', now we both prefer the term 'ad nauseam'.