[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
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I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)