Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
You Might Also Like
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless