Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
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Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out