Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
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i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god