Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
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Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Here’s a meme
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.