[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
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We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
only 11 steps left
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”