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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
time for some seasonal decor
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows