no their not
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Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.