My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
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Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Best table by far
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”