producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
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Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.