@TeflonPawn: My dog stopped digging after I told him he's just gonna end up in China.

@FeelingMervis: "My Heart Mustard Go On" - Celine Dijon

@dafloydsta: Benefits of dating me: 1. You're the smart one

@Ms_WhateverV: A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital. So I pushed her under a bus.

@SladeWentworth: McDonald's french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect. Tasted fine, too.